News of the Weird
Two years ago, I was almost hired by About.com to helm a “News of the Weird” section of their vast network of things you can find on Wikipedia.
At the last moment in the training process they decided to go with a robot which sucked in RSS feeds instead what they had wanted me to do, which was present the links in my own voice. They probably made the right decision.
Anyway, here is what would have been my first submission:
Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers
As a bastion of information once held sacred and untouchable, the Internet gives us the opportunity to break boundaries, become nourished by the great thinkers and stay abreast of the latest news from an increasingly complex world.
Also, it allows us to deeply catalog the seemingly endless bounty of men who bear more than a passing resemblance to Kenny Rogers. Such is the topic of discussion at Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers, where visitors can browse photo galleries, learn how to festoon their attire to be more Rogers-like and gain insight on what to do if you spot a simulacrum of the country-music legend such as, “be polite…or be sly. Use a line like, ‘Hey, you look just like my Uncle Bernie. Would you mind if I took your picture to show the family?’”
Sugar Bush Squirrel
Of all the non-human Internet celebrities, perhaps none are as glamorous, as urbane and svelte as Sugar Bush Squirrel. Once a humble eastern gray squirrel, she rose to fame over the last few years thanks to the efforts of her owner, Kelly Foxton, who admits to dressing the tree-dwelling rodent into over 2,000 different outfits and snapping over 5,000 photos – most of which you can see at the website.
Most of the photo shoots are accompanied by commentary from Sugar Bush herself, and Foxton claims a catchphrase coined by the squirrel – you’ve been squirreled – has blossomed “into an overnight success. It is fast becoming her very own, international, household expression.”
Watching Grass Grow
Maybe photos of a squirrel in reverse drag are a little too racy for you. Perhaps the placid splendor of well-groomed lawn yearning for the sun is more your speed. If so, the technological wonder of watching someone else’s grass grow from anywhere in the world is likely to grab your attention and never relent.
Like digital sedatives, this is one website that delivers on the promise: “Most Boring/Exciting Website in the World.” The site features a blog, a photo gallery and free, streaming bluegrass music to enjoy as you bathe in the beauty of a lush patch of green near an intermittently busy suburban street. This is what high-speed Internet is all about.
The Urinal Museum
Have you ever walked into a men’s bathroom and just stood there in awe over the grandeur and radiance of a perfect urinal with geometrically proper cake adornment? Who hasn’t?
The real question is: have you ever thought about photographing and cataloging your passion for bathroom technology, and then placing it online for the world to collectively enjoy?
Do not fret, someone else has already found the time over at urinal.net to post galleries complete with locations, descriptions and top-10 lists devoted to the greatest urinals in the known universe.
Love Advice From Dr. Zaius
The Minister of Science from “Planet of the Apes” is branching out like a slightly more simian version of Dr. Phil in an effort to help the filthy human race be more successful in love.
With the opener, “I will attempt to help you – even though you are simple animals, like dogs,” Dr. Zaius dispenses some of the greatest, yet pithy, relationship advice on the Internet.
For instance, when asked if bald men are more virile, Dr. Zaius responds, “The more hair they have covering up their repugnant appearance, the better.”
Nail Passion
It is important in this brief life to find something you can be truly passionate about. For some, it may be fine wine. For others, the roar of a crowd as you walk on stage. For many, the elaborate world of growing and painting toenails and fingernails
Bordering as a fetishist Web site (tap dancing on the border),
nail passion delivers the goods when it comes to celebrity nails, candid nail moments and, of course, galleries of notable nail atrocities.
Particularly classy is the section titled “NTV.” Get it, like MTV, but devoted to nails? Sublime.
Captain Ozone
Remember Captain Planet, the eco-conscious crusader from the fertile territory of ’90s syndicated cartoons – the one who was trying to get us to stop destroying the environment way before Al Gore donned a cape? Yeah, well, he’s a punk in comparison to Captain Ozone.
Captain Ozone lives in the mountains, has no Internet connection and endorses turning old toilets into works of art instead of tossing them into landfills.
Despite a double face mask, his suit is revealing in an unsettling way, something I consider unfriendly to the environment, but hey, he’s bringing global awareness to a far greater problem.
